Will & Grace Quotes

Jack: Women, can't live with them... end of sentence.

Will: Ow.
Grace: What?
Will: Could we talk about your toenails?
Grace: I'm sorry. I'll cut them.
Will: Don't you need them for tree climbing and warding off predators?

Grace: Hmmm. Well, you've come on a good night. Jack's mother is going to be joining us, and she doesn't know Jack's gay.
Karen: How could she not know? What is she, headless?

Karen: Good Lord. I can't believe I'm at a public pool. Why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me?

Cheryl: Mrs. Walker? Cheryl Bricker-Fossberg, Taylor and Hayden's mom.
Karen: I have no idea what you just said.

Will: No, no. I don't want to have sex with you.
Jack: Oh, Will that wasn't sex. Okay, how do I explain this? Okay, when a man and a man love each other very much...
Will: No, no... Psychic Sue said I was going to spend the rest of my life with a guy named Jack.
Jack: Jack who?
Will: Jack you.
Jack: Jack me?
Will: No thanks.

[Trying to start up her Uncle Jerry's old car]
Grace: Okay, here we go... that's weird. Will, what do you think is wrong?
Karen: Oh, my God. She just asked a Fairy an engine question. We're all gonna die in this car.
Will: Karen, you're not going to die. It would take a silver bullet and a wooden stake to do that.

[Ellen asked Grace to baby-sit her kids but is now upset because she assumed Will would be there as well and he is out of town and she no longer wants Grace to do it]
Ellen: You know what I just realized? Rob's sister can probably do it. She lives closer to us anyway.
Grace: Judy? The one who has to turn the lights on 14 times or the oceans will dry up?
Karen: Ellen, why would you leave your kids with someone who has such an important job?

[Will and Jack have bought a place in the country and are now trying to escape their crazy neighbours]
Will: Come on, Jack, let's try the back door.
Jack: Will Truman! Coming on to me at a time like this!

[Grace and Jack have been seeing Vince at a grocery store with another man, Dennis, and think he's cheating on Will; they don't know that he was fired and now works there, and that Dennis is his boss]
Jack: [to Vince] We know what's goin' on.
Grace: Yeah, we know your filthy secret.
Dennis: Vince, I want your ass in aisle five.
[Grace gasps]
Dennis: And bring the mop.
[Jack gasps]
Jack: Oh, my God. What kind of a place is this? And why do I shop anywhere else?

Jack: Will, I told you. You live with a hetero long enough, you're going to catch it.

Will: Look at this. I'll bet Courtney Love has probably peed in this very toilet.
Grace: Or, at the very least, around it.

Jack: [mimicing phone call] Hello? What's that? I'm bored? Thanks for calling.

Will: Got a hot date?
Jack: No, but the guy who's dating me does.

Will: [in commercial voice] How do you stop unwanted homosexuals from invading YOUR office?

Karen: It's a victimless crime, like tax evasion or public indecency.

Karen: Hey Hey Hey Hey, This is a place of business! We are trying to get some work done in here and we don't need you just barging... wait, I'm saying it and I don't even buy it!
Grace: Like you never got any at the office.
Nathan: Well least she had the decency to be by herself.
Karen: Haha (beat) Haha It's funny cuz it's true.

Jack: [gasps] That was you taking my breath away!

Karen: I'd give you a credit card, but I used my AmEx to hit a face I didn't like.

Jack: Will Truman, don't think that we didn't see you and your big forehead sneaking out of that party last night!

Karen: [Karen and Nathan meet in the elavator for the first time] Going down?
Nathan: You get right to the point.
Karen: [Karen thinks for a minute] I like you.

[Lyle walks in]
Lyle Finster: There she is, the woman who set my heart on fire.
[Karen rolls her eyes]
Lyle Finster: Which is a nice change, since the women I'm usually with cause a burning feeling in an altogether different area.
Karen: Get lost, David Cop-a-feel. Just because we once made out like drunk straight girls at a frat party, doesn't mean you're wanted here.
Grace: [to Lyle] Hi. Welcome to my office. And we usually reserve this kind of talk for casual sex Friday.
Lyle Finster: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there. Lyle Finster.
Grace: Finster? Oh my God. You're Lorraine's father. You tricked Karen into kissing you.
Karen: That's right. And it ain't never gonna happen again. No, sir. Not on my watch.
Lyle Finster: I understand. But I only came here to return the kiss that you left on my lips.
Karen: What? Give it back!
[Karen jumps on Lyle and they start making out and growling]
Grace: If you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna go in the back and gouge out my eyes and puncture my eardrums.
Karen: Oh, no, honey, stay. I was just taking back my -
[realizes]
Karen: Hey!
Lyle Finster: Karen, I'm lost without you. I've tried to fill the void with secretaries and whores, but at the end of the hour, it's you I wish I was paying.
Grace: Really, I'm uncomfortable.
Karen: It's never gonna happen between us, Lyle. So beat it.
Lyle Finster: Very well. But I'll never forget you. Every mouth that I kiss will be your mouth. Every bottom that I slap will be your bottom. Every nipple that I tweak...
Grace: Please, one of us has to go!
Karen: Get out.
Lyle Finster: Very well. But know this: Every vagina...
Grace: GET OUT!

Grace: That's not a complement. A compliment is "you're sexy," "you turn me on," not "one look at you proves I'm a queer."

Grace: Tonight I'm gonna be better. I know it. Look, I've been playing with myself and I feel much more confident.
Will: Funny, it just makes me feel sleepy.

Will: Well, good for you, Jack. What's the video about?
Jack: It's a hard hitting look at sexual harassment in the workplace.
Will: Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I'm sorry, Jack. Sexual harassment? Starring the guy that asked his coworker at Starbucks if he had 2 nipples for a dime?

Jack: Welcome to Cynical Island, population: you.

Grace: [sobbing] I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. And all the people are pigs. And I'm the pretty one, but everyone thinks I'm ugly because they're all pigs and they think pigs are pretty.

Grace: If you're looking for your Aunt Karen, she's not here. She doesn't work on days that end with..."day."

Bill: Jack. You're hitting on me.
Jack: I'm shocked. And appalled. But are you interested?

Jack: I can't believe I'm 30. Do you know how much that is in gay years?

Jack: I bitch-slapped the law, and the law won.

Karen: Oh kids ruin everything. I mean look at the stitching on this. You cannot trust a ten year old to do a good hidden button.

Karen: You know, may there is an alligator running around with me as a handbag... I mean who knows what they do with my old skin...

Jack: I don't care if he's rich or poor, fat or thin, as long as he's rich and thin.

[a man rushes in to meet Karen]
Man: Miss Walker, I came as soon as you called.
Karen: Well that's really none of my business, but thanks for sharing.

Grace: On Christmas Eve, grandma lost both her legs to diabetes.
Jack: And then on Christmas Day, she lost both her feet.

Will: Jack, if I'm supposed to stay away from every guy you've ever slept with, that would leave me with... women.

Jack: As you know, this weekend, my new show opens at the Duplex, and this year, I'm giving my fans something I know they're dying for.
Grace: Their money back?

Will: You know, the female reproductive system is so amazing. It's a miracle, really. So complex. So beautiful.Yow! What is that thing? God! It looks like the bad guy in a science fiction movie.
Grace: Oh, please. Like your stuff looks like a box full of kittens? It don't.

Jack: You're so generous. I swear, if you weren't Jewish, you'd definitely go to heaven.
Grace: Thanks, Jack. And if you weren't gay, you'd go there too.

Jack: ...but when we get back to New York I swear I'm taking an EPT, and if it's blue I am not going through this alone!... again!

[Jack has just seen Karen's enormous closet for the first time]
Jack: My God. If my closet were like this I never would have come out of it.

Jack: You shouldn't be dancing with him. He's not your stalker, your stalker is still at large.
Kevin Bacon: But you fingered this guy.
Jack: I did not. We were just holding hands. Your stalker has been throwing pebbles at your window for the past 15 minutes or maybe you didn't hear me because the music was so loud.
Kevin Bacon: You... you're my stalker.
Jack: I prefer the term 'Professional Crazed Fan'. A job that's a hell of a lot more satisfying than sewing Prada labels in your Old Navy shirts. Go get yourself a new assistant. If you need me, I'll be in your hamper.

Jack: This makes me feel like a man.
Will: Yeah.
Jack: No, seriously, I'm going to need a man after we're done.

Karen: [on hiring Jack to play a straight man in a commercial] No one in the world would believe you're straight. You're as gay as a clutchpurse on Tony night. You fell outta the gay tree, hitting every gay branch on the way down. And ya landed on a gay guy... and ya did 'em. No, no, honey, your gayness can be seen from space.

Will: The last thing I need in my life right now is somebody else's drama
[Grace opens door to reveal Jack]
Jack: My wife is cheating on me, my life is ruined, Will help me!
Grace: Enter the drama queen, exit the neighbor.
[Grace exits]
Jack: Can you believe this? She wants to divorce me and marry Gardener! I'm out on the street!
Will: That's shocking. Is there any way you can tell me about this without screeching like a howler monkey?
Jack: [extremely high pitched] You know what, I don't need you! I have plenty of friends who would be more than happy to help me through this! Goodbye!
[Long pause, neither moves]
Will: You don't even pretend to leave anymore, do you?

Karen: I'm not going to Queens, there are people living in cabs down there.

[Watching the first gay kiss on network TV]
Jack: This is bigger than the moon landing.
Will: One giant leap for man-on-man kind.

Jack: Oh look my ride is here. It looks like a huff. I think I'll leave in it.

[to Leo]
Karen: Well, look who penetrated the inner-circle. And then he stuck around and married her.

Karen: Jack I've spent years and my husbands millions learning about fashion. What are your qualifications?
Jack: I'm gay.
Karen: Oh honey what would I do without you?

Will: What, is the whole city gay?
Jack: Not yet, but if all goes according to plan, come tomorrow morning... muhahaha.

Will: Jack, I'm asking you to be my kid's godfather. Or rather, his fairy godfather.

Jack: I've always wanted to perform... on the Broadway stage. The wigs, the makeup, the costumes... and then I'd walk to the theater.

Will: I don't hate Andy, I like Andy.
Grace: Well, Humphrey Bogart liked Ingrid Bergman but he gave her up for the good of the Resistance.
Will: Have you been swinging from powerlines?

Karen: Grace that blouse hurts like a hangover.

[Will is wearing an Abercrombie like shirt]
Karen: Oh, Will, there was someone in the elevator asking for you. Oh, yes, it was your youth it wants its shirt back.

[Jack doesn't believe that Eliot's mother is gay]
Jack: No, it can't be... same something lesbionic.
Bonnie: Home Depot.
Jack: K.D. Lang you are a lesbian.

Grace: Jack, Will's not laughing at you. He's laughing with me at you.

Karen: You know what else is sad? Poor people who have dreams.
[pause]
Karen: Well that's not sad as much as it is extremely funny.

Jack: He makes me want to be a bigger man.
Will: You mean a BETTER man.
Jack: That too.

Karen: I'm not good or real... I'm evil, and imaginary.

Val: I pretended your jockstrap was an oxygen mask all day today.
Jack: Okay, time to go, psycho.

Karen: I thought, finally. A man who can make a woman feel like a girl. And who can make that girl feel like a slut. And who can make that slut feel like a woman.

Karen: [to a lesbian at a hate crime prevetion fundraiser] Oh yeah, honey, we're all lesbians when the right man isn't around.

Will: You don't need to lose to have fun. You're not France.

[Rosario is in a wedding gown]
Rosario: This is so stupid. I look like a pinata.
Karen: Yeah, and if I had a stick I could watch all of my money fall out.

[Karen sees Lorraine at Stan's Furneral Ceremony]
Karen: Nice outfit for a funeral. If that outfit were any shorter I could see your English muffin.
Lorraine Finster: I wouldn't talk. If that dress were any lower I could see your Yankee doodles.

Jack: When I first saw you I could tell you were bearing the weight of the world on your shoulders... and about 30 on your hips.

Lorraine: You're a fancy dresser. Are you English?
Will: Oh no, I'm gay.
Lorraine: Well, its the same thing.
Will: If that weren't true, I'd find that offensive.

Nathan: I'm Nathan, Grace's new boyfriend.
Jack: That's strange. I'm not getting a gay vibe from you...

Dr. Osher: Mrs. Walker? I have some news about your husband.
Karen: Give it to me straight, Doc. Am I looking at a future filled with loneliness and memories of better days, or is Stan gonna die?
Dr. Osher: Mrs. Walker, the test results came back, and it seems your husband didn't have a heart attack at all...
Karen: Oh, thank God.
Dr. Osher: But rather, acute angina.
Karen: Heh. You've got a lot of nerve, coming on to me while my husband is dying. Wow.

[Two kids are making fun of another kid]
Jack: This macho school bully crap is so 1983 I could vomit.

Jack: Sorry, no public displays of affection. They don't know I'm gay here.
Cam: I guess that means you haven't spoken or moved.

Jack: Will, my dad was the source of all my talent.
Will: But Jack... you don't have any talent.

Jack: Who gets married on twenty-thou? My dress alone will cost fifteen.

Grace: Oh my god. Jack got turned on by a woman? Well, he couldn't be straight, so, what, now he's a lesbian?
Will: Well... he's got the haircut for it.

Grace: Who's Diane?
Jack: Oh, Diane is the woman Will slept with after he broke up with you. You knew about that. You told her.
[Grace looks hurt]
Jack: You didn't know about that? You didn't tell her?
[Grace gets up and walks out]
Will: Wait, Grace. Jack, when we get home I am going to rip your heart out through your foot.

[Will is wearing a red vest]
Jack: Uh, mine's the tan camry with the scratch on the side.

Jack: Come on Will. Let's go to Barney's and watch women with big lips try to eat soup.

[Will just made a bad joke]
Jack: Please keep that to yourself, the religious right already hates us enough.

Jack: Language was only invented when unattractive people were born and needed to be commented on.

Grace: Ok, I've been in a bit of slump lately. Finally horked up that thing that's been stuck in my throat all day...
Will: Why some guy has never snatched you up is beyond me.

Grace: Look, I've been playing with myself and I feel much more confident.
Will: Funny it just makes me feel sleepy.

Karen: What you're doing is morally WRONG! I've had kids with that man and his ex wife's body was ruined as a result!

Jack: Sex is a drug, Karen. I should know. I'm a licensed dealer.

[Will and Jack are in the car and Will does "the soccer mom arm save"]
Will: I just don't think I'm cut out to be a dad.
Jack: What are you talking about? You just did the soccer mom arm save.
Will: So?
Jack: So, you have the instinct.
Will: That wasn't the instinct of a dad, that was the instinct of a person who didn't take out insurance on his passenger.

[Nathan gives Will a wet willie]
Will: Now if you excuse me, I'm going to dip my head in alcohol.
Karen: Oh! Wait for me!

Will: [comes back to the hotel after ditching Karen and Jack] Oh good, the food is here, I'm starving.
Jack: Hey, Rudeness Giuliani. You can't just come back here and expect us to forgive everything. We are not sleeping together.

Grace: Will, I'm serious. I haven't made any of the major decisions. I mean, who will I give my things to? What will happen to my business? Where will I be buried?
Will: Well, your business will go under. Your things are my things, so I'll just take them back. And I always figured I'd have you stuffed, and keep you by the front door to prop up umbrellas.
Grace: I wanna do a will.
Will: Yeah, well, get in line behind all the other ladies!

[talking to Grace about a bad experience with a psychic]
Will: I mean, who calls themselves "Psychic Sue"? It's like me calling myself "Lawyer Will" or you calling yourself "Designer Grace" or Jack calling himself "Jumping Ferret Jack."

Grace: Ok, here's the Thanksgiving menu so far: apple pie, pumpkin pie, blueberry tart, and ice-cream roll. What am I missing?... Cake. We need cake.
Will: Did you take a bong hit before you wrote that?

Karen: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm devastated, too.
Jack: Mmm, it does, thanks.

Grace: [to friend after Will tells her he's gay] How could I not have known? He was Boy George for Halloween, he has a diffuser on his hairdryer, and he's prettier than me than me..

Jack: It's not something you can just run away from like a hotel bill or a crying baby.

Karen: Driver, turn up the heat, there's a nip in the air back here.[looks at breasts] Oh, make that two!

Jack: You're caring and loving...
Will: You're just saying that to make me feel better.
Jack: No I'm not. I mean, what would I get out of that?

Ben: I know Mrs. Walker.
Karen:Oh, yeah... I remember you. Stan and I met you at the Whitney opening. You were the bartender. Yeah.
Ben: No, you just gave me your drink order.
Karen: Yeah... and I'm still waiting for it.

Will: You want to go out tonight? We could grab a little Italian. Then go for dinner afterwards.

Will: If I was going to have sex with a woman it'd be Hillary Swank... or Tobey Maguire.

Grace: Face it Karen, your a racist.
Karen: How dare you call me a racist... Karen Walker is no racist... A homophobe... Maybe... But I am no racist  [walks to the door and then turns back] And you can ask anyone I own!

Karen: Grace, my head is spinning. and not in a good way.
Grace: OK, let my try an experiment I did in college.
[Karen sighs then grabs Grace's face as if she is going to kiss her]
Karen: All right one kiss and back to work.
Grace: Not that kind of experiment.

Ben: Yes you will.
Will: No I won't.
Ben: Yes you will.
Will: No I won't.
Ben: You know, it's a little ironic. Thirty years of legal experience between us, and this is how we argue. And yes you will.

Grace: I ran into Leo. But you can't tell Will I found out. I mean, "I" know, but he doesn't know I know. And now that you know I know, you can't let Will know that you know I know, you know?
Jack: No... do you know?
Karen: I think I know, but I'm sure I don't care.  

[Will invited Jack's mom to their Thanksgiving dinner]
Jack: The woman is a monster, and you clearly did this to torture me.
Will: I did not. That was just an unexpected bonus, really.

[Leo has to tell everyone to go home]
Leo: Okay, everyone... look, you're not gonna like what you're about to hear...
[Grace comes in, singing off key]
Will: Well, to be fair, he DID say we weren't gonna like what we were about to hear.

Will: You mean I just let a gorgeous guy who cooks, makes his own jewelry, and who was totally into me walk out the door?
Stuart: No, actually. First you called him a filthy stinkin' ho, then you told him to get to a clinic, then he sort of ran out the door.

Grace: You said that money is no object.
Karen: Oh honey, that's just a saying, like 'Ooh. That sounds like fun.' or 'I love you'.

Karen: Wilma, I forget, which are you these days, gay or straight? Wait, wait! I'll do a little test. There's a penis and a vagina in a tent and it's on fire. Which one do you save?
Will: Why are they in a tent?
Karen: Oh, Will! I'm trying to do you a favor. I want to hook you up with my cousin Barry!
Jack: What?! Why him?! Why not me? Will's hideous! [TO WILL] No, you're not. He's gross! [TO WILL] Not really. People flee from him! [TO WILL] Not everyone.

Jack: Oh Karen, you just can't devastate me and kick me out. I'm not your lover.

Jack: There are no straight men. Only men who haven't met Jack.

Karen: How did you hurt your back? Running away from good taste?

Will: Karen once told me that Christmas celebrates the birth of our Lord Cartier.
 
Karen:[to Grace] Oh honey, I love you like the mother I had committed.

[On Lorraine]
Jack: We hate her. We hate her even more than the know-it-all daughter on 'The Gilmore Girls'.

Karen: Oh yeah, real rough day for you. Meanwhile, my soon-to-be ex-husband is trying to screw me over. I gave that man the drunkest years of my life.
Will: Stop saying that here. Stop saying that to the judge

[about Rosario]
Jack: How dare you suggest our marriage is a sham.
INS Agent: Uh, you're gay.
Jack: What? A guy sleeps with guys and he's immediately pegged as gay?

Will: Ahh Jack. Cute as a button, not quite as smart.

[Will, Jack, Grace, and Rosario are placing a bet at the hospital]
Will: No, we're not being gross. Besides, it's either this or 15 hours of reading Highlights magazine. I mean, really, how many times can you find a toaster in a tree?
Jack: The tree! How could I have missed that?
Will: And yet it was circled by the 5-year-old before you.

Grace: I see the way you look at me when I shave my legs.
Will: Well, that's because it happens so infrequently, I have to take a minute to figure out what you're doing.
Karen: Oh, that was low.
Jack: She should say something about his fat chin.

Karen: Honey brace yourself. Stan is having an affair.
Jack: No its impossible I won't believe it, he's so fat!
Karen: Grace caught him red handed.
Jack: He was by himself?

Jack: This looks hard.
Grace: Jack, it's four packs of Easy Mac. [pause] It's really hard. Look, Will. We've been cooking.
Will: Oh, a cuisine of Chef Boy-Are-You-Lazy.  

Bobbi: I listen.
Grace: You're a mother. You're not supposed to listen.
Bobbi: Then what do you want me to do?
Grace: I don't want you to fix me up. But I want you to want to fix me up. I just don't want you to want me to want to go out with the guys that you want to fix me up with.

Grace: Thanks for taking me out to dinner, Kar.
Karen: Well, honey, it's like the old song goes - anyone deserves a free meal who has Will's sperm inside them.
Grace: I think that was from "You're a Gay Dad, Charlie Brown."  

[Jack got turned on by a woman]
Will: [to Jack] Oh my God, it's finally happened. You've gotten so gay that you looped around to straight again.

Jack: Lesson for today: Though the eyes are the window to the soul, the zipper is the window to the underwear.

Karen: Ugh. The subway was disgusting.
Jack: Karen, we took your limo.
Karen: Oh. I've got to stop drinking those Big Gulps.  

Karen: Honey gays love presents. Just wave something shiny under their faces and you can do whatever you want. That's how we got Mahattan back from the Gay Indians...

Jack: But there's always a lot of rich, old gay guys at those things looking for younger gay guys to take care of. You know, the way Dick Cheney takes care of George Bush.

Jack: Heterosexual marriage is just wrong. I mean, if God had meant men and women to be together, he would have given them both penises.
Will: I believe I heard Pope RuPaul II say that.

Jack: Can you contact me with Jude Law?
John Edwards: He's not dead.
Jack: I know, but I still want to make contact with his other side.

Grace: [to Elliot] You know what, when I was your age, there were a lot of kids who said I couldn't kiss. But did I quit kissing? I did not. I stuck with it. I made out with every guy who would have me. And today...
[waves her hand around, showing off her wedding ring]
Jack: Not you, Whore-a Flynn Boyle!  

[Will's elementary school nemesis, Kevin Wolchek, has come to work at his firm]
Grace: Sweetie, are you gonna be okay? You sure you don't want me to stick around in case Kevin comes back? You know I'm a good biter. I once bit a jump rope in half.
Will: Why?
Grace: [pause] What d'you mean, "why"?

[after ripping open Grace's pants]
Fanny: Oh... you're Jewish.
Grace: [long pause] How... how can you tell that?
Fanny: Cheap underwear.  

Karen: They're trying to make gay people straight? Good Lord! Don't they know what that'll do to the fall line?

Nathan: Are you a big game-player?
Will: Oh, yeah! I'm a big game-player. One of my favorites is the being-nice-to-waiters game. If you win, you get to not go to hell.

Will: [about Jack] The man stares humiliation in the face and says: Don't I know you?

Will: Where's all the Chinese food?
Grace: Oh, I opened it up and started to eat it and then I noticed a hair in it. So I called the restaurant to complain and they were like "Well, how do you know its not your hair?" and I said "Well, I know what my hair tastes like." Anyway, I got so disgusted, I threw it all out.
Will: You ate all of it, didn't you?
Grace: Yes, I did.  

Karen: [after Grace blames Karen for something] Hey, I have feelings too, you know? [Jack and Karen laugh hysterically] Damn it! I was trying to keep a straight face!

[Karen is running a scam with her con-artist mother, and she is wearing a sweatshirt that says 'I Loves Me Kitty' with a kitty on it.]
Jack: Oh, my God, I have that same shirt! Except, um, mine has a big rooster on it, and it says 'I love me big, red - '
Will: Jack!  

[Jack and Will are shopping]
Jack: Will, I found it. The single CD shower companion. [high-pitched]  'Cause you can never have too many companions in the shower!
Will: Jack. Isn't that why your membership to the 'Y' was revoked?
[they see Leo at the counter]
Jack: Ooh, check out the man-cake at the counter.
Will: I know that guy. That's that horse guy.
Jack: Ooh, me likes the sound of that! Come on, intro-seduce me.

Karen: Gosh, I just love gambling here in Vegas. Sure, I may lose $100,000 but the drinks are free so it evens out!

Kevin Bacon: When the stalkers leave, it's the first sign that your career is slipping. Little tidbit I picked up from Val Kilmer.
Will: Wait, you did a movie with Val Kilmer?
Kevin Bacon: No, but Val was in "Top Gun" with Tom Cruise and Tom was in "A Few Good Men" with me. [pause] Huh, that was a short one.

Karen: Honey, black, white, gay, straight... What's it matter? We all finish ourselves off in the end anyway!

Val: Oh, my God, Jack. That was the best show ever. It felt like you were singing only to me.
Jack: Well, for the last seven shows, I was.
Val: Look, I don't know what to say. I just - I really just wanna... officially thank you for coming into my life. It's just that, well, you're my world now.
Jack: Yeah, about that, um... see, the problem is I live here [holds up the New York picture] and I'm thinking you live waaaaaay up here. [holds up the moon picture]

Grace: It's a recurring dream. I keep having it over and over and over and over.
Jack: I see. Is this the first time you've had it?
Grace: That's a good question, Jack. Okay, anyway. In my dream, I'm on the subway completely naked. And then, all of a sudden, that hot gardener from "Desperate Housewives" gets on, and he puts his hand on my breast. Then that hot smart guy from "Jeopardy!" gets on and puts his hand on my other breast. Then that hot Korean guy from "Lost" gets on and puts his hand on my other breast. Oh, yeah, in this dream I have three breasts.

Jack: Karen, you are constantly partially there for me... is there anything I can pretend to do for you?

Will: This is a gay landmark!
Jack: The hospital where Judy Garland spewed out Liza Minnelli is a gay landmark! This is just a bookstore.